As Ramadan is fast approaching, we asked one of our bereaved parents to describe in their words what Ramadan is for them and how ‘surrendering to the process’ of both Ramadan and grief can be a healthy healing process.
We are hugely grateful to Alistair for writing this piece and sharing his experience of Ramadan and how it sits alongside his daily grief. Alistair and Maria’s daughter, Sarina, died in January 2022 when she was 7 weeks old.
Momentary peace as we surrender to the process
Muslims acknowledge Ramadan by attempting to complete a daily fast, alongside their everyday life, for one full month every year.
Prepartion
As important, if not more so, is preparing – physically as well as spiritually – for the full month of fasting that lies ahead.
In the days and weeks leading up to the start I usually become anxious about the prospect of coping without food and drink (coffee mostly!) In the first full year (2023) after we lost our daughter, the month of Ramadan had started towards the end of March, (Ramadan gets earlier every year because its timings are set by the lunar calendar) and I was still to complete my training for the London Marathon, so I needed to find a way to manage both commitments together even though on a physical level it raised the intensity of both. But I didn’t want to miss out on either challenge by giving in to something that was out of my control.
Patience
Hunger can make it easier to empathise with those less fortunate. It’s an opportunity to look forward to feeling better and sometimes more focused than usual – just so long as thoughts about food and drink don’t take over!
Within our personal search for peace there’s our intention to calm our body, to occupy a slow breath, and a paused focus. Will I find it in my spiritual escapades, and how will the mystery unfold next time?
There’s the feeling of relief at sunset when it’s time for a fast-breaking evening meal, to be consumed either at home or at the mosque. The most healthy way to go about this, not surprisingly, isn’t to eat to excess until the following morning (pre-dawn) just because such temptations are permissible again.
Each member of the household is expected to donate a small sum of money during the month to help ensure that no person in the world misses out on a meal each day. Eid al-Adha is the second of the two main festivals in Islam when Muslims slaughter an animal as a sacrifice.
There is a night prayer either at home or at the mosque every day during Ramadan. Trying to sit in prayer at five set times all year round, I often recognise when my focus isn’t necessarily true, and is less than perfect. Mindfulness is a similar technique. Listening to the birds chatter In the morning, or hearing the animals communicating with each other in the fields.
Maria, Alistair and their daughter Sarina
Gratitude
As well as being grateful for the experience of Ramadan on the occasion of Eid, I am thankful to God for having made it possible for us to meet our child for the short time (seven weeks) we did. Even though days intended for celebration won’t ever be the same for us without our daughter, I am grateful we can cherish the memories, and am also thankful there’s a safe place for our child in heaven.
‘Indeed we belong to God and indeed to God we will return’
But until then I’ll never be entirely free from questioning my own existence in this world after witnessing my child take her last breath. In a world containing all kinds of dominant ideologies that create the problems of the world, and its collective mindset of there being more to gain than lose by sticking with complacency. Where now we feel others might be expecting us to move on quickly and to get better, simply because the passing of time means the tragic event of our child’s death gets further away. Ramadan teaches me that having stuff including constant access to food and drink is less important than simply being, and searching for a truer meaning in life.
‘Do not carry the worries of this life because this is for God’
I try to remind myself again of this self-care message as I recite daily my intention ‘to keep the fast again tomorrow’. Some also choose to fast on the occasional days following Eid al-fitr, the day of celebration that marks the end of the month.
Updated: February 2025
